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Digital Spindrift

Humor and weirdness gleaned from the Web by screenwriters Neill Hicks and Joe Bratcher, and that stalwart guardian of intellectual creations, Ed Pierson.

You Are What You Read

  • The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
  • The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
  • The New York Times is read by people who think they should run country, and who are very good at crosswords.
  • USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts; in other words: the Weekly Reader for grown-ups.
  • The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
  • The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
  • The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat the train.
  • The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
  • The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
  • The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
  • The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.


Poetry in Anguish
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry, each with only 17 syllables: five in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.
Aborted effort.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No-one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Simple English Sentences

Using common words that are pronounced just like they're spelled (more or less).

  1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
  2. The farm was used to produce produce.
  3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
  5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  10. I did not object to the object.
  11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  13. They were too close to the door to close it.
  14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  18. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
  19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
  20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  21. How can I intimate this to my intimate friend?

Proverbs For A Digital Millennium

Now that the Internet has profoundly altered the way we conduct business, correspond with friends and sneak peeks at naked women, the wisdom of previous ages may also need updating.

  1. Home is where you hang your @
  2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  4. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
  5. Great groups from little icons grow.
  6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
  8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
  9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  10. The modem is the message.
  11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
  12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
  13. A chat has nine lives.
  14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
  15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
  16. What boots up must come down.
  17. Windows will never cease.
  18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
  19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
  20. Modulation in all things.
  21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
  22. There's no place like
  23. Know what to expect before you connect.
  24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.
  25. Speed thrills.
  26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Microsoft vs. General Motors
At a COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles per gallon."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

Here are ten more things you might expect if GM were to take Mr. Gates as their role model:

  1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
  4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
  5. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
  6. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
  7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  8. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
  9. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.


Take That You Multi-Lingualist
Actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert floor for your aunts to eat.

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.


World's Easiest Quiz

Be sure you know what you think you know when you think you're sure you know.

The Questions

  1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
  2. Which country makes Panama hats?
  3. From which animal do we get catgut?
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
  5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
  7. What was King George VI's first name?
  8. What color is a purple finch?
  9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
  10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

The Answers

  1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
  2. Ecuador.
  3. From sheep and horses.
  4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
  5. Squirrel fur.
  6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
  7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
  8. Distinctively crimson.
  9. New Zealand.
  10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648


One-Liner Wisdom

Humor is a funny way of being serious

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

All work and no play will make you a manager.

Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.

Hard work must have killed someone!

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

All generalizations are bad.

Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

43% of all statistics are worthless.

A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Ask not for whom the bell tolls: let the machine get it.

Boy: a noise with dirt on it.

Crime does not pay... as well as politics.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.


HollyBonics Translation Guide

From the personal experience of--or at least overheard by--Barbara C. Benedict, Happycat Productions

TO SCHMOOZE: befriend scum

TO PITCH: grovel shamelessly

TO BRAINSTORM: feign preparedness

TO RESEARCH: procrastinate indefinitely

TO NETWORK: spread disinformation

TO COLLABORATE: argue incessantly

TO FREELANCE: collect unemployment

LAWYER: frustrated producer

PRODUCER: frustrated writer

WRITER: frustrated director

DIRECTOR: frustrated actor

ACTOR: frustrated human

HIGH CONCEPT: low brow

PRODUCTION VALUE: gore and guts

ENTRY-LEVEL: pays nothing

HIGHLY QUALIFIED: knows the producer

NETWORK APPROVED: has made money for them in the past

NET: something that apparently doesn't exist

GROSS: Michael Eisner's salary

BACK END: the bottom of the food chain - you'll never get a dime

RESIDUALS: braces for the kids

DEFERRAL: don't hold your breath

POINTS: see "net" or "back end"

STUDIO ACCOUNTING: curious methodology that guarantees you'll receive far less than you ever imagined, if anything

YOU CAN TRUST ME: You must be new here

IT NEEDS SOME POLISHING: Change everything

IT SHOWS PROMISE: It stinks rotten

IT NEEDS SOME FINE TUNING: Change everything

I'D LIKE SOME INPUT: I want total control

IT NEEDS SOME HONING: Change everything


IT NEEDS TIGHTENING: Change everything

TRY AND PUNCH IT UP: I have no idea what I want


YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN AGAIN: I have no power whatsoever


The Wisdom of Super Models

Since they like probably wouldn't even go out with you or anything even if they did know you were alive, how could they mind if you were like laughing at 'em and stuff?

"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."
-- Cindy Crawford

"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."
-- Carole Mallory

"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery."
-- Beverly Johnson

"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that."
-- Christie Brinkley

"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth."
-- Tatjana Patitz

"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."
-- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament."
-- Jerry Hall

"I love the confidence that makeup gives me."
-- Tyra Banks

"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."
-- Cindy Crawford

"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."
-- Tyra Banks

"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."
-- Gabrielle Reece

"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."
-- Christie Brinkley

"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly."
-- Beverly Johnson

"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself--it's eerie."
-- Christy Turlington

"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby."
-- Fabio

"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."
-- Tatjana Patitz

"I've looked in the mirror every day for 20 years. It's the same face."
-- Claudia Schiffer

"The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles -- but I had on thick tights underneath."
-- Naomi Campbell

"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers."
-- Carol Alt

"We're not Prince Charles and Princess Di. We don't think of ourselves as royalty. We happen to be working people."
-- Christie Brinkley

"I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them."
-- Cindy Crawford

"I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day."
-- Linda Evangelista

"When I model I'm pretty blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work."
-- Paulina Porizkova

"I think, 'If my butt's not too big for them to be photographing it, then it shouldn't be too big for me."
-- Christy Turlington

"I don't know what to do with my arms. It just makes me feel weird and I feel like people are looking at me and that makes me nervous."
-- Tyra Banks

"You can usually tell when I'm happy by the fact that I've gained weight."
-- Christy Turlington

"If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time."
-- Linda Evangelista

"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would."
-- Kate Moss

"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak."
-- Linda Evangelista

"When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss."
-- Veronica Webb

"Girls are always getting mad at each other and they tell their hairdresser to purposely mess up another girl's hair."
-- Tasha

"I'm a pretty girl who's a model who doesn't suck as an actress."
--Cameron Diaz

Both Sides of Tech Support

Which came first, the stupid question or the arrogant answer?

Choose the example that spices your beef:

What would happen if people had the same expectations for their cars as they seem to have for their computers?

What would happen if waiters began behaving like tech support help?

Automotive Tech Support

Helpline: General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened.

Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?

Customer: What's an ignition?

Helpline: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of those technical terms just to use my car?

Helpline: General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week but now it won't go anywhere!

Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

Helpline: There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where's the needle pointing?

Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?

Helpline: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you.

Customer: What! I paid $12,000 for this car. Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I wanted a car with everything built in!

Helpline: General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?

Customer: Your cars suck!

Helpline: What's wrong?

Customer: It crashed, that's what's wrong.

Helpline: What were you doing?

Customer: I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal to the floor. It worked for a while, but then it crashed. Now it won't start!

Helpline: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore.

Helpline: General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes and power door locks.

Helpline: Thank you for buying our car. How can I help you?

Customer: How do I work it?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know to what?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: I'm not a technical person, I just want to go places

If restaurants functioned like Microsoft:

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[Waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Bug in the soup . . . . . . . . . . . included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)

On-Line Gender Wars

You can't live with 'em, you can't shoot 'em.
Choose your stereotype and come out generalizing:

Cyber Female Bashing Cyber Male Bashing

Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girl Friend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.

He's finding that some applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Beer Bash 2.5, and Pub Night 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law 55.8 and Brother In Law Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:

- A "Don't remind me again" button

- Minimize button

- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.

Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0


Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.


To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Attributed to Christian and Maricela G. Faucheux
Toronto, Ontario CANADA

Husband 1.0

Last year, I upgraded my BoyFriend 5.0 to BoyFriend 5.1, which installs itself as "GROWNUP CHILD 1.0". Recently, I upgraded GROWNUP CHILD 1.0 to BOYHUSBAND 1.0 and it's a real space hog. It has taken up my entire couch, fridge and bed resources and Boyhusband 1.0 must be fed and clothed at every system start-up and every six hours.

It is also spawning Bodily Function Processes which are further constipating system resources. Some applications, such as DIGNITY 10.3, CULTURE 2.5, and TACT 7.0 will no longer run on the system at all.

Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as BEST FOOTBALL BUDDY 55.8, LAST-MINUTE DINNER GUEST 7.6, MALE EGO 66.1 and BAR BRAWL 5.2, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other uses have reported similar problems.

Because of this, some users that I know have decided to avoid the headaches associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Boyfriend 5.0 to Boyfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without peril as well, since all traces of BEER 5.0 will be automatically removed from the system and must be replaced before attempting installation of 6.0.

Even then, Boyfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually after work, in seedy nightclubs, on the adult pay-per-view channel and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of other versions.

To cap it off, Boyfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding you about the benefits of starvation, sex and little black dresses to better emulate CLAUDIA SCHIFFER 1.0.

However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Boyfriend 6.1 release:

- An "auto return empties" button

- An "until I'M tired" feature

- French Lover feature

- Replace toilet seat when finished button

- An intellectual upgrade feature so that BoyFriend can be completely interesting if necessary (so you don't lose all your smart girlfriends and colleagues)

Unfortunately, since I've already upgraded to CHILDHUSBAND 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next BOYTOY release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the use of BOYTOY 1.0 and HUSBAND CHILD 1.0 on the same system -- most notably are system conflicts and continual shortage of food and etiquette, which starts shortly after HUSBANDCHILD 1.0 detects BOYTOY 1.0 and challenges him to an eating/belching contest. Interestingly enough, all versions of PERSONAL VIBRATING MASSAGER still work fine.

I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with DYKE 1.0b3. she is simple to operate and we get along fine.


Highway Humor

allegedly seen on bumper stickers

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I have a photographic memory. It just never develops.

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